Worthy
by bjxmas
Summary: 9.11 First Born tag. Without Sam to temper your recklessness, it feels good to run full-throttle, all-in, with no reason to hit the brakes. Caution doesn't exist when you're on your own. Crowley & Cain say you're worthy. All you know is you're a killer and you're going to kill Abaddon. You hope when the moment comes you'll feel worthy. Dean!feels!


9.11 First Born tag with a short reference to 2.06 No Exit

Worthy

"_I bull's-eyed those targets, every one of them… My dad gave me this smile…like…" Dean paused, reflecting, his chest swelling as he relived that moment, the first…one of the few. A time when he first discovered what was expected, realized he was on the right path, knew he'd succeeded in gaining his dad's attention. "I don't know…" he trailed off, not wanting to linger too long, the feelings distant, fleeting…gone. He shrugged his shoulders and the moment passed._

"He was right, you know…you are worthy."

A demon was speaking the words, THE demon, Crowley. Demons lie. _Especially_ Crowley. He played you. Brought you here, offered you up to the Father of Murder. Acted all horrified that you'd stumbled into Cain's backyard. _Played you…_

Doesn't matter. You all want the same thing – The Bitch dead. Common ground, even if it galls you to be on that same side. You'll do it because you don't have a choice. Because it's a lousy job but someone has to do it. Same old story. Up to you to kill the bitch. It's what you do; kill monsters. It's all you're good for.

A brutal battle, three demons slain, and Cain confirmed you were worthy.

"You mean a killer like you?"

You knew the answer before he nodded. It's who you are, what you're made for. The fury you feel inside, the desperation and the loathing, that empty feeling that spreads out to consume you, it's a constant now, unrelenting and demanding. Killing's the only thing that beats it back. Even if it is a temporary fix. There's a calm that settles over you when the blade sinks deep, when you see the light flicker and go out of their eyes.

It's a meager victory, all those monsters, dying by your hand. But it's something.

The real reward is knowing some innocent will live another day, some victim has gotten the only justice they're going to get. It's all you're allowed, but you'll take it. There's satisfaction in knowing those evil sons-of-bitches are dead because of you, because you stood your ground, stared down evil and didn't blink, didn't hesitate. Just raised your blade and cut right through them.

Without Sam, without that family connection, a brother to temper the brash recklessness, it feels good to let loose, to run full-throttle, all-in, with no reason to hit the brakes. Caution doesn't exist when you're on your own. It's what you are, how you do things. The adrenaline, the rush…makes you feel alive. Only thing that can these days.

For that brief accelerated moment, it allows you to forget everyone who's died because of you. The list endless, lives lost as a direct result of your actions or inaction. Bad choices. Wrong calls. Or simply because they stumbled into the blast zone that surrounds you. Targets tacked on their backs because they had the misfortune to believe in you.

The world doesn't need any more of your good intentions. And you can't bear the pain of any more unearned deaths.

You certainly have enough guilt, enough souls to atone for.

This is you taking action. Seizing back control. Moving forward, into the fray.

Crowley is scrutinizing you, his voice certain. You could almost believe he cares. That is, if you didn't know he was Hell's greatest salesman, pitching a new scheme, stacking the deck in his favor. Doesn't matter. He wants Abaddon dead and you're going to kill her.

You've got the mark, the Mark of Cain. The power and the purpose. Crowley will find the blade. You'll use it. It's a done deal.

And after…well, there's always an after. Always a cost. Whatever it is; doesn't matter.

What matters is the bitch will be dead. The impossible done. The last Knight of Hell gone. The world a little safer.

You'll do that.

You hope when the moment comes you'll feel worthy. That the word will finally fit. That the success of this final kill will numb all that came before.

And all that will come after.

The End

bjxmas

January 2014

All standard disclaimers apply.

_Just a little something, not much. I am insanely excited for Dean and Jensen, and massively worried for where this might lead our bold and unbridled hunter. I'm a little irritated with Sam. Yes, I understand his anger at big brother, but letting Dean go is a bad idea. When will Sam learn that untethered Dean is reckless? How will he feel when he finds out that Dean is on another self-destructive tear? Again putting his own safety in peril because he doesn't matter, not like Sammy or everyone else matters. Guilt and pain are a bad combo for our older Winchester. He needs a little of Sam's understanding and care, now more than ever._

_I love the word 'worthy'; it's what all humans strive for and what describes Dean best…even though he fails to see it. I hope he will feel it soon, know the goodness and real worth within him. If any man deserves to feel worthy, it is Dean Winchester!_

_Thanks for reading, discussion makes me giddy, so leave a review and let's talk! _

_B.J._


End file.
